Thursday, August 7, 2014

Happy Birthday Winona

Nearly three years ago I set up this blog as a way for me to "vent" my frustrations that came with being an artist and a mom. At the time, I was a stay at home mom to a 6 month old, and things were, hard. At least they felt that way then. I was having a hard time balancing the responsibilities of motherhood with my desire to make art, or become a successful artist (contrary to popular belief, just making art often lies outside of what it means to become a successful artist, but more on that in another post). Regardless, the  blog was a success and my art, well its still a work in progress. Through my writing (typing) I have been able to process ideas about my art, motherhood and life.

In my first post about Winnie, I apologized for venting about something other than art and then quickly realized that it was about art; that life is about art. Both art and life encompass all that is ugly and beautiful and frustrating. They are both about successes and failures, love and loss. Despite what they tell you in graduate school, there is no denying that art and life lie parallel to one another. Since Winnie's birth and death, this blog has been mainly about her and all that she has taught me.

Simultaneously, however, I have continued making art! Still frustrated, still hoping to complete 'that one painting.' But again, like life, every painting is another overturned stone, in search of the 'truth.' And a year later, I don't know the truth, nor do I know why she had to die, why I became the mother I did, why I can't make paintings like that guy, or be in that gallery. But I do know that with the ugly, comes the beautiful. Winnie taught me that. You never know what the next stone will bring.

I never thought I would be announcing the birthday of a dead child of mine. Never. Not ever. But none of us can predict these things. And so here I am, exactly a year after I first looked into Winnies eyes, and I am still processing, still failing and succeeding, still frustrated and grateful, still an artist, and still Winnie's mom.

Happy Birthday Day Love, to my precious, Winnie in the sky.

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