After my daughter was born, I created a whole host of ideas, goals, and expectations of what my life as an artist and mother would be like. Being the type A person that I am, I had always tried to control everything in my life in the past, why not continue? Well, that to-do list of expectations, ideas and goals still exists. It haunts my every day existence. Maybe today I will finish a painting and apply for that show, or maybe not.
Frustration starts seeping in. That to-do list lingering. I used to be so PRODUCTIVE. Now my productivity is changing diapers, making food, cleaning up after messes. And where does my art making fit in?
I remind myself of how important this moment is. The one I will never get back. The day she first crawls, says "da-da," points to "da-da." Without expectations, I try to ease into whatever it is the day brings me, whether or not it allows for time in the studio. I try and trust that my art making will fit in where it can.
In the past I always found that non-attachment to productivity works best in the studio. Sometimes just showing up is the most important step. Likewise, I showed up the day I conceived having no clue as to what (really) to expect. And here we are.
Being a parent is completely unpredictable. No matter how many books you read and suggestions you accept your child will be different. Much like my process of art making, there is only so much you can control. But maybe that is where the excitement lies.
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